I am Right

The science is settled, all the experts agree, I am right, and finally there' an article to prove it.

Yes, indeed, all the scientists have finally come to the conclusion that 5 times out of 5, I am right. 

Why am I right? Well, all the scientists said so, after many many seconds, minutes, hours, years, (centuries one might say, in fact) of meticulously studying in a lab, presumably using flasks filled with many colourful liquids, white robes and goggles, they finally reached a nigh unamous unarguable conclusion. 

There is no other possible explenation: I am right.

The fact that I am right, now officially a claim backed up by modern science, has plenty of evidence, and virtually all doctors support it, unlike toothpaste, which only 9 out of 10 doctors support. You simply cannot deny the fact that I am right.

Anyone that doesn't agree that I am right is a science denier. Probably a flat earther and antivaxxer as well, and I bet they bind flash on d and pour milk before cereal too.

Now, you might say, what about all those doctors that don't agree that I am right? Fuck them, we don't speak about them. What, you're gonna trust the retard that says toothpaste is bad for you? Do you want all your teeth to rot off? What, you gonna brush your teeth with fucking battery acid? No of course you aren't, and that's why I am right.

Now, of course, I don't want to lay the blame on anyone, especially you currently reading this. Its not your fault that you're wrong and I'm right.

In fact it's not anyone else's fault that they thought I was wrong, they just didnt know any better and that is why exhaustive research went into the proof that you are currently reading. 

I would rather have not made such a big deal about the fact that I'm right, but unfortunately, due to very real world repercussions of people thinking I was wrong, this research program had to be started. 

It is for the sake of all humanity that I am right, because I am on the right side history, and we cannot have the right side of history being wrong, because then it wouldn't be right, (duh). And that is also why you must accept that I am right, because otherwise you would be on the wrong side of history. And do you really want to be on the side of history known for brushing its teeth with battery acid?

But for those who are still unconvinced, it is not only modern science that agrees with me.

Exhaustive datamining into the papal mainframe has revealed a long lost letter from peter's second cousin's thrice removed maid's son's gardener's daughter's second best friend's uncle, revealing an obscure bible passage cut from bible (presumably by religious fanatics trying to hide the truth) that proves the even bible agrees that I am right.

Now of course, I am not christian and I hold nothing but contempt for your backward religious beliefs, so this argument wouldn't work on me, but maybe it'll work on you.

And you know who else agrees with me? That's right, the fucking Dalai Lama. In searching for every single thing he's ever said the past 400 years, we found three (that's right THREE) quotes that can be vaguely interpreted as agreeing with me. How many quotes are there saying that you're right? Oh, that's right, none.

I would even say that it's not just science that participated in this discovery. During consulatation there were also soothsayers, psychics and even a Ouija board (That refused to cooperate until we scratched out all the wrong letters off the board).

And they all have agreed that, yes, I am right, and you are wrong.

Astronomers have even found evidence written amongst the stars that I am right, even buried in the depths of cosmic background radiation, repeating patterns among the cacophony of noise provided undeniable proof, by the universe itself, that I are right. 

Now you might ask, what the fuck do soothsayers, psychics, mutilated Ouija boards and astronomy have to do with science?

And the answer to that is fuck you, why do you care, they agree with me and that's all that matters in the end. Who do you think you are to disagree with the experts? Are you an expert? Do you have PhD in the field?

No? Then you're disagreeing with settled science sweatie. Do you think you know better than all the experts? You're an apprentice at best. Maybe journeyman if we're being generous, but nowhere near an expert, and if you are, you should have your license revoked for being wrong, because as we established, I am right.

The people who disagree with me? They're the contrarians. 

They want to be right, just like me, so badly. It's not about logic, rather, it's about validation. Since they can't be right at the same time as me, they invent alternative facts. They invent a bubble to live in to protect their egos. 

Unfortunately, and ironically contrary to their belief, that will never change that I am right. 

All in all, its simple:

The matter is settled.

Lest we all forget: I. Am. Right. And you're wrong. Because I'm right.